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How to Make it Look Like You Know Nothing About Football

While many women are unabashedly enthusiastic football fans, providing praise-worthy recreational companionship for their significant others, others of us like to keep a low profile, drawing on the element of surprise to garner the admiration of our sweeties.

For me, I fall into the latter camp, and have used many verbal strategies over my 12 years of marriage to make it look like I know nothing about football.  I thought I might share them here for anyone who might like to try them too.

First, when he tells you an important game is on that night, ask, “How many important games can there possibly be in one weekend?”

Then, when you sit down to join him in watching a game, ask, “So, babe, which group is winning?”

Then add the color of their “outfits,” such as, “Bummer for the red group being so far behind.”

Remark offhandedly that you remember your high school marching band playing at halftime at a Dodgers game.

Wonder aloud what would happen if, when one of your children wants something another child has, you just let them fight it out until someone breaks a collarbone.

Every time a player is tackled, wince visibly and say, “Ow!  He is going to be so sore tomorrow.”

Ask, “Is this the fifth down?”

Get excited when the team he is “voting for” is about to make a touchdown.  Say, “Ooh, they are really getting close to that touchdown line!”

Ask if he’s ever considered giving a trophy to the child in your home who’s the most successful in not sharing.

And finally, when Florida State wins the BCS, say with enthusiasm, “I guess we know who’s gonna be in the Super Bowl!”

Once it has been firmly established that you know nothing about football, get ready for the shock and awe, when, at a party where your husband is standing next to you, you nonchalantly join the conversation and make a few casual remarks, like…

“Yeah, could you believe the lead changed three times in the final five minutes?  I think Whitfield’s 100-yard kickoff return was the beginning of the end for Auburn.  But I’m glad for the Seminoles, you know, they were ready for a national championship title since their last one back in ‘99.

Shock and awe.

Kind of like when your husband creates his own secret basting sauce for whitefish.

(It was very good, honey.)

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